aid me very well in my present work. Not that it's surprising that I am able to use my talents, just that it still is surprising to me that I am a missionary. And I am able to use my gifts and talents in the Philippines as well, but there is something more here that wasn't a part of my previous missions.
I feel very strongly that here I am being called to stretch my capabilities and even use and get accustomed to being comfortable with using what I see are my weaknesses. For instance, I am not a good singer at all. I love to sing, and I have pretty good pitch and tone, but my voice leaves something to be desired. I feel very uncomfortable singing in front of others, but here during the Liturgy of the Hours, holy hours and teaching English songs to the high school and college
scholars, I am asked to let go of my negative feelings about my singing and rise above the pride and self-consciousness that has always held me back. While initially feeling disconcerting, it actually is freeing to let go of my neurosis. Because no one else seems to mind my voice... but it is hard to let go of 43-1/2 years of caring what people think of my voice. It isn't easy.
Another thing is that I find myself being the center of attention here, sort of in a place of honor...being asked to sit at the head of the table, taking the front seat of the car, being served everything first. In the US, these things are not really important, I mean it's nice to sit in the front seat but it is no biggie either way, usually. But here, these are places and actions reflecting honor. Now, I am a middle child being the 4th of 8 children, and the 3rd of 5 girls... I'm really in the middle! And I totally buy "middle child syndrome." The fact of the matter is, I much prefer quiet spaces... in a large room of people, I'm content in a corner and do not, at all, like to draw attention to myself. That is not possible here for me to hide, to take the lowest place, because when I do, I'm always called to the place of honor. This also gives me a disconcerting feeling, especially because I came here to serve.
Disconcerting is not bad. Uncomfortable, maybe... but being put in a situation where you are really forced to move out of the niche you've made for yourself can only make you a better, more complete person, I think. Imagine living a life in which neuroses and concerns about what others think about me are totally gone and I can just do my thing... sing my songs... accept honor graciously... be at peace with myself and who I am. I think I am on my way to being that person now. Not that I am making it easy on myself, of course!! Growing pains, I suppose!!!
I know my previous mission trips changed me. There is no doubt in my mind that I am not the person I was two years ago, I am better, thanks be to God, and the missions I have been on in Africa, Peru, Louisiana, and even in Buffalo have effected me in a most amazing way. But I feel this trip is stretching me... encouraging me to release all of my inhibitions and let go of the negative feelings about myself. I even danced the Kuratsa, a traditional dance here in the Philippines in front of
a room full of people with a stranger (to me, not to the sisters ;-) )!! And I hadn't had any alcohol to drink!! Anyone who knows me well knows that was a big thing for me. But one thing that my grandmother teaches me every day, even here when I am nowhere near her is that you are never too old to learn something new, never too old to grow into the person you most wish to be... thank you, Gram!!! xxoo
Here are some pictures of me beginning to let go....
And here I am with one of Sister's aunts. She kept putting money in my shirt as I was dancing!! ??
And a quiet moment to myself, walking in the warm ocean.. It was so beautiful!!!
