That is a sentence I never thought I'd see myself write!! When I came home unexpectedly from Africa, I was in a torrent of emotion, most of it dark and ugly. I was so sure that The Nazareth Home was where God wanted me to be. Then, thrown into a left turn I never saw coming, I hardly knew what to do...think...say... people asked questions I didn't have answers to, I had expectations of myself that I just couldn't meet... I felt like I was a hamster in one of those wheels, stuck in emotional muck, trying to get anywhere else yet unable to move. Doesn't really sound like something to be completely grateful for, does it??
And yet, over the course of this year, I was able to encounter parts of myself that I never knew existed. With God's help, and my family's help and monumental patience, I was able to take the time to pray about and meditate on the blessings I received without even knowing I received them. And it didn't stop with Africa. I've had a whole year of missionary work that was nowhere near what I had planned for myself, but, gratefully I can see the movement of God all through it, leading me here to my next missionary experience.
Coming home from Africa sooner than I expected was quite a shock to my system. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do and am very grateful to Tom and Paula Radel for their vision and courage, I was stuck in a state of immobility for a while. But I realized over time that, in doing God's will, one has to be like a feather on the ocean...just going with the tide and not fighting for control of where one goes. Not easy!! But it's pretty easy to see, in hindsight of course, that offering my life to God to serve the poor and then trying to control the voyage just leads to a disaster waiting to happen! In coming home from Africa the way I did I learned that my time and plans are not God's. If I truly want to give my life to God, then I must be like that feather on the ocean. Then the sharp left turns and tidal waves that get in my path do not stop me, they just give me a cool ride!! I've learned to love where I am at the moment I'm there, wherever that may be.
In June I went to Peru to a mission in the Andes Mountains in Cuzco called The Missionary Servants of the Poor of the Third World. I went with a group of young people on fire for serving the Lord, and each one, like myself, was searching for the life God wants for them. There is an orphanage of abandoned children there, some very seriously handicapped, and many sisters, priests and missionary families to care for them and educate them. It was a very prayerful trip, made memorable and infinitely more meaningful because of my fellow missionaries. During confession, I told the priest, Fr. Mathias, that I had trouble concentrating during mass, as it was in Spanish, particularly during the homily, and during adoration, I was distracted by thoughts of everything we had to do. He advised me to pick something in the church to meditate on during those moments.
There is a crucifix in the chapel that is more realistic than any I have seen before.
In August, I traveled to Louisiana to an organization of lay Catholic missionaries called Family Missions Company. FMC trains Catholic single adults and families to be missionaries, following the precepts of the Catholic Church. They study and use The Acts of the Apostles and The Mission of the Redeemer, a beautiful encyclical written by Saint Pope JPII, to guide them. One of the things I noticed right away about the people at FMC is that they are very charismatic. They praise Jesus all day long, raise their hands in praise, sway and seem swept away during prayer...raised in a very prayerful but traditional Catholic family, I found the missionaries there a little intimidating. It didn't feel natural to me to say my own prayers so freely, to add movement and so much song to my prayer. However, I learned a great lesson from them.
I was consumed, while in Louisiana, in worrying over whether the Philippine Embassy would issue me a visa and could hardly think of anything else. It nearly ruined my time with FMC because I couldn't let that worry go. The embassy had everything I could give them, so there was nothing else on my side I could do, but I held on to the problem with both hands. As I spoke to people about it, keeping in mind that these missionaries deal with embassies and visas all the time, they had a lightness about them that I wanted to have. By the time I left, I figured it out and was able to use it myself. Part of me couldn't get over the fact that these missionaries praise God in EVERYTHING they do. While in the kitchen, playing outside, working on the computer, not five minutes goes by that they are not praising God about something. If someone asked for prayers, they didn't say "I will pray for you," instead they said let's pray right now... and they did! At first, it seemed a little weird to me, and slightly overdone. Then I realized why they do that... if you keep God with you throughout the day, make everyday jobs and mundane tasks prayerful, praise God in the all the small things, your relationship with God becomes super close. And since you have such an ease in sharing with Him the small things, it is no big deal to give the big things, the difficult or painful things to Him. You become so familiar with God that you trust Him completely and realize that if what you hope and pray for doesn't come out the way you wanted, then He has something better for you. A wonderful thing happens...worry leaves you totally. I was able to release to God my worry and open myself to learning about Family Missions Company. Since coming home, not only did I receive my visa (!!!), but I have embraced a little of their philosophy. It makes sense to me... the people I turn to for help when I really need it are those closest to me. It's the same with God.
And now, just a few days away from traveling to the Philippines, to a mission run by the Oikos Sisters (www.poorhouseholdofgod.org) I feel ready. My clothes aren't packed yet, and I still need to get some bug spray, granola bars and a few other things, but my heart is ready. God has used this year and these experiences to get me ready for this trip. As to what lays beyond it... I don't know. But I do know that I will be traveling alongside God, open and eager to learn more from Him.
Please keep me in your prayers!! You will be in mine. <3 xoxo
