So, I guess the last blog was a spoiler alert to my decision regarding my future plans!! Obviously I have returned to the Philippines!! In September of 2018, I decided to go on an Ignatian retreat. Now St. Ignatius was a very deep and intense kind of man. He came from a prominent family with ties to the military. All his life, Ignatius dreamed of being a knight, of saving the day, of dying with honor while protecting his queen. His family was boisterous and prone to alcohol and being with prostitutes when not at war. Ignatius was no different. That is until his conversion.
The conversion of St. Ignatius was a painful one, physically as well as spiritually. He was injured during a battle...a wall fell down on his leg and broke it. How he begged to be able to die then, a hero's death during battle, but he did not die. He was taken home for rehabilitation. They set his leg so it would heal, but they set it incorrectly, so, not wanting to be seen limping around, the proud Ignatius had them break his leg again, without anesthesia, and reset it. It took three rounds of doing this until he was happy his leg would heal correctly. While recovering, which in itself was a painful and boring process, Ignatius begged for books, but only one could be found...a book of the saints. Taking months to recover, Ignatius read that book over and over and over again, until it seemed the words became branded in his soul. Eventually, they changed him. After his recovery, much to his family's anger, he found himself in a cave for quite a long time, alone with his thoughts and all of his sins on his soul. He delved into the teachings of the Catholic Church and the Gospels and he wrote all sorts of questions that he himself answered. Later those very questions became the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. Upon coming out of the cave, Ignatius was a changed man, a renewed man with a new mission...to fight for and protect his Queen, Mary, and the Church started by Jesus Christ. To this day, the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius are used as a model for discernment and for converting souls deeper into their faith to have a deep and personal relationship with Our Lord, and to live lives worthy of His love and mercy.
The Ignatian Retreat is supposed to be for 4 weeks, each day the retreatant is guided through one of the spiritual exercises and left alone to meditate on thoughts generated through the guidance. My retreat was squished into 4 days!! And was exhausting!! But I had one meditation that completely changed the way I was thinking about my life. It is called The Three Types of Man.
So, St. Ignatius says there are three types of good Catholic people. All are practicing Catholics who are trying to have a better relationship with God, and all of them know there is something they have or something inside of themselves that they have to let go of to let God in.
The first type of person knows what is inside of him that he has to let go of to truly do God's will. But he says...I'll let go of it tomorrow...I'll think about it next week...I'll pray about it first...and he ends up on his death bed never having detached from the impediment to God.
The second type of person also knows what she has to get rid of. But she is hesitant to let it go, she wants some of it to remain hers, so she tries to make a deal with God. Let's say she truly feels that God wants her to detach from material things by giving her excess money to the poor. But she says to God...I will do it, Lord, for You, but I want the world to know what I did, I want the glory of everyone knowing how good a person I am.
The third type of person knows what he has to get rid of and detach from, although he may very much want it, he says to God: I know this thing I have blocks me from truly loving you, so I will let it go and trust that if You want me to have it, You'll give it back. But if this really is what is keeping me from knowing You completely, I don't even want it.
So it was up to us retreatants to discover what kind of person we are, which of the three, and figure out how to change ourselves if we need change. Without delving too deep into my soul here, I felt strongly that I was the second type of person and began questioning my vocation as a missionary. But in my meditation, truly, truly I saw the eyes of Jesus...they pierced into my soul. He asked me when I was going to stop asking questions, when was I going to take a step forward in faith. He told me He couldn't see any sign of faith in me because every time I began to move forward, something held me back. And I found myself crying to Jesus saying I have faith. He said, "Show me." When I opened my eyes, I decided then and there to enter the novitiate of the Oikos Sisters.
Do you know which of the three types of persons you are? xoxo
