Sometimes it feels like an overwhelming force is ever on our shoulders here, like one more thing that goes wrong will break us all. Sometimes it feels like too much pain and heartache is here, too much for the average human being to bear, and believe me, if I am not average, I am somewhere in the below average range. Things like...
...water crisis again today, no water in Sang, no water here at the house, no water at the old
house, no rain expected for 4 months. Solution: Order a water tanker from Yendi to come
and deliver water, for a price so high it hurts, literally, and is undrinkable even with water
filters.
...Ella is having problems eating. She coughs while drinking her bottle and formula is coming
up out of her nose. Could be a cleft palate, could be a problem with her esophagus, or any other
number of difficult problems to solve here in Africa. It is stressful for both of us whenever she
eats. My heart aches that she has to undergo any other issues in her life besides the rejection
and abandonment of her family. Why does she need more to bear? Who can help her here?? I
found myself tearing up more than a few times today thinking about the possible woes facing this child yet again. It is unfair.
...We have a new child, Paul, who is a tank of a boy. He is the healthiest baby I have met yet,
with chubby cheeks and chins and arms and legs. He is adorable, but unwanted because his
mother died and no one wants to assume responsibility for this big bundle of joy. Yet another
child having to grow up without his family, with the mark of rejection.
...Kids getting sick, falling from seizures and hurting themselves, kids being kids and playing
rough, kids needing attention all at the same time. Not so terrible until you realize there are
40 of these children, 4 of which are babies in need of constant care, several who are non-
verbal, a few who like to hide/run away, a couple who just like to hit every one, and you've
got yourself in the middle of a never ending hurricane of noise and needs.
...Construction always being done behind, in front of and in the house. Building is going on all
the time, which I am happy about for Sister. But the workers leave nails, saws, hammers,
power tools around ALL. THE. TIME. And it does not matter how many times they are
asked to pick up dropped nails or not to leave the saws laying around, they do it anyways.
Then, I get to scold two children who are sword fighting with saws or someone who is
drawing on the car with a nail. Just what I need, another reason to punish the kids. Ugh.
It is not easy here. It is not a vacation. The list of stresses seems unending, it certainly is longer that the examples I have given above. And I guess I am back in this spot because I am seeing it all again through Tom and Paula's eyes. I think you kind of get lost in the hurricane so deeply that it all becomes your new normal, when, hello... "normal" this life definitely isn't. Sometimes I think I paint too pretty a picture of our life here. Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful here, but heart wrenching as well. It is hard. No one ever told me it would be easy, and I wasn't expecting it to be, but it is harder than I ever expected. And it is more painful than I could have possibly expected it to be. I feel drained of energy and spirit so often, and it is not always possible to get filled up again when needed.
It makes me feel lost. xo
