I think it is very difficult to discern the will of God in our lives. Despite the ease of the word used, "the CALL of the Lord," it is nothing as easy as the word "call" suggests. When we hear the word call, we may think of a phone... and the easy communication it provides, or we may think of a person yelling. There is a sort of funny anecdote that most sitcoms have used over the years, probably funny because most of us have experienced it at one time or another. The mother is in the kitchen preparing dinner and a child comes in. The mother says, "please call everyone for dinner", and the child opens his mouth and calls out as loud as possible, "DINNER'S READY!!!!!" At that, the mom rolls her eyes and says, "well, I could have done that!!" Even Mary and Joseph come to my mind now. Certainly their calling was anything but easy, but the way in which they received their call, through an angel, well... it sort of eliminates the need for discernment!!
The modern day call of God to the vocation He wills for each of us is much more subtle, and usually requires a close and familiar relationship with God. Whether you want to believe it or not, God has a plan for each of us, His will for our lives. You may say you do whatever you want or that you just "go with the flow," but who do you think is giving you the inspiration to do what you are doing, or directing the flow? He who has created us desires for us joy and happiness beyond all knowing, perhaps not in this life, but most certainly in the next. His will for our lives directs us to that place. I yearn for that happiness and joy, particularly now, and especially for the residents of The Nazareth Home for God's Children and children like them all over the world. I believe it is God's will for my life to help love and care for children such as these, wherever they may be.
When I decided to go to Sang Village and the orphanage, I believed with all my heart that is where God wanted me to be, and I still believe that with 100% certainty. However, never being a missionary before, I was unaware of the stress, heartache, pain and sorrow involved in giving of myself so entirely, and its affect on my body and soul. Believe me there is happiness and laughter there too, but the overwhelming sadness is consuming and unrelenting. The multiple crises we faced daily, the heat and dust, the soul-searing sorrow of the rejection of children, the culture change and constant sicknesses all worked against me until I felt defeated.
Well, I am not defeated, but I am taking a time out... time away. I truly believe that I have bitten off more than I could chew, so to speak, in deciding to be a first-time missionary without an on-site support team for a year. So, I am leaving the Nazareth Home for God's Children physically, but my heart will always be there, and I go with Sister Stan's blessing and know the door to the orphanage will always be open to me.
I believe the will of God in my life is to care for His poor children, to raise awareness of the sorrow and dehumanization poverty causes and to give with an open heart all the love inside me, all the blessings I have received and all the knowledge of my Savior I can pack into my meager brain.
There may have been some static on the line when I received my "call," I heard 12 months, but God was saying 12 weeks!! But rest assured that my desire to help and love poor children in so much need is stronger than ever, and as soon as I am at the same point physically and spiritually, I hope to head once more into the deep.
I am grateful for all the support we have received from everyone, be it prayers, money or supplies. The Nazareth Home for God's Children is blessed indeed to have so much love coming from such generous friends. Truly, I cannot express all the thanks I feel in my heart... it is overflowing! I am also grateful for all the readers of this blog, and will be posting pictures and videos over the coming days when I return to Buffalo.
I am sad to leave the children at the orphanage, and am sorry about committing to something I had no idea I would not be able to completely give, but I know this is the right decision for me at the present time, and I look forward to returning to the missionary life when my body and soul permit it, God willing.
By the way, Mary Clare has returned to Buffalo as well. Her strength, courage and loving care has been nothing short of amazing, and I am so grateful to have been able to share this experience with her. I know whatever Mary Clare decides to do with her life, where ever God is calling her, she will give 100% of herself with her patient and loving ways. The children at The Nazareth Home for God's Children have been so blessed to have been loved and cared for by such an angel!! xo
