Emanuella, or Ella for short, is our Christmas baby here at the Nazareth Home for God's Children. Although chronologically 6 months old, because of malnutrition and lack of proper care, she appears to be about 2 months old. She has a big head in proportion to the rest of her little body, the biggest chocolate brown eyes I have ever seen and a tiny little mouth from which the teeniest cries come out. Her body is literally skin and bones and she is so flexible, sometimes when I am trying to burp her over my shoulder, she brings her legs up behind her to almost form a circle!
Ella is a super smart baby. She picks things up quickly. On the way to the hospital with the mother, she wouldn't take the bottle of formula at all, even though her mother had no milk for her and it had probably been a while since she had eaten last. After her first night here, she started holding the bottle with her tiny little hands and she uses signs to signal her desire for food. We change the babies in one room usually that has all the diaper changing supplies. Well, poor little Ella has a diaper rash and it hurts her when I clean her up. Now, after just a matter of days, she cries when we enter that room. You can see in her eyes that she is always learning, and in her short little life so far, she hasn't learned the best things.
Ella doesn't trust anyone. She hasn't smiled yet, or cooed or made cute, happy gurgling sounds babies make. She has learned that people cannot be counted on. She does not like to be held and won't even drift off to sleep if you rock her. She likes her bottle best lying on a pillow, not in anyone's arms, and her eyes are always watchful, waiting... for what, I don't know.
She sleeps in my room and I am her primary care taker. She is beginning to know me, I think, and will sometimes sit in my arms for a few minutes before crying to be laid down. She wakes up a lot at night, sometimes just to drink an ounce of two of milk, maybe just to be sure there is milk to drink. I started slowly massaging her, tickling my fingertips up her arms and legs. She gets really still and just absorbs the sensation, but makes no outward show of emotion. She hates taking a bath and cries all the way through it. And, unfortunately, has a runny stomach to boot. Poor lady.
I sing to her and whisper in her ear. I look into her eyes for long minutes, hoping to see the beginnings of a smile there. I try to hold her as much as I can so she will get used to the sensation of being loved and will soon trust enough to allow herself the joy of that. The children here love her, especially the toddlers... all running up to give her kisses and snuggle their noses into her neck. She definitely has a lot of love showered on her all day long. After one of the Christmas dance competitions, I suggested the next competition should be who can make Ella smile.
Last night she began playing with my fingers holding her bottle for her and this morning as I was getting ready for my day, she was following me around the room with her watchful eyes, and she was just beginning to coo in a singsong way. It was super cute, but I didn't stop to look at her because I was afraid she would stop. I just let the music of her cute tiny voice fill my mind and heart and said a prayer that she would unlearn her past soon so she can be filled with the joy of babyhood.
And for the first time since being here, I thought, how in the world am I ever going to leave her? I know detachment is probably the best way to go in situations like this. Take care of the children and see to their needs, but do not allow yourself to become attached to them. I think I probably lost that battle the day she arrived when I was in the backseat of the car with her mother and uncle and she just crept into my heart without my knowledge or permission.
I will keep you updated on baby Ella, and her physical and emotional progress. I just hope she learns quickly that there will be milk for her at night... so I can get some sleep!! xo
